I'm starting this blog as my outlet...a means to write how I'm feeling and work through my thoughts. Writing has always been my escape, my way of centering my thoughts. And while I have tried to write openly and honestly, I have no place that is my own at this point. I have a family blog and a blog that detailed my journey through infertility and pregnancy, but none of them seems like the appropriate place for my thoughts. I need somewhere that is my own - some place to be honest with myself and possibly somewhere to share thoughts with others who are going through the same thing.
I am a mother of two beautiful children, and am married to my best friend. I have a loving and supportive family who is around to help as much as needed. I work from home and am able to watch the children thoughout the day - my dream. And yet, even though I am living my dream, I feel myself getting overwhelmed more than i would like. I have always had a guilty conscience. My mom says I got all the guilt, and my sister got none - its an Irish Catholic thing. And while this guilt never really seemed too burdensome - it actually has helped me make some of the smartest decisions of my life - it now impacts my life more than I would like. I am constantly feeling guilty about not being the mom, wife, daughter, friend, I want to be. There is a constant internal battle within me. When I am doing one thing, I feel guilty for not doing another. Some examples - when I'm spending time with the kids, I feel overwhelmed by the work I have piled up, and when I'm spending a little more attention on my daughter, I feel like I am neglecting my son.
I'm sure every mom has these feelings, at least I hope they do. I just think its something that is so taboo to talk about. Everyone tells you being a mother to two children is not easy but its usually because you have to keep an eye on two, or because one is never sleeping or eating like they should be. They don't tell you about the emotional side of it. Having two children is the most amazing thing - coming from a woman who has fought infertility and won. Maybe the guilt stems from the buildup you have while the months of trying to conceive pass by. You spend months, years even picturing your life with children and then when its not exactly as you pictured, you have to sort through it all. Its not that having children is not living up to my expectations, it by far surpasses any happiness I ever thought I would have, but having to constantly battle myself and my guilt, is not something I ever anticipated.
I reread a book earlier this year, Time of my Life, about a woman who goes back in her past somehow to try to change her life. She was living this life she thought she wanted, trying to be a perfect wife and mother, and when she goes back in her past, she still finds her way back to her life as a wife and mother, but without all the pressure to be perfect. I keep trying to think back to this book when I have a day that I think I could have done a better job or am over-run by guilt. I am a good wife and mother and I know that. Sometimes, it takes a good day to remind me. Today was a good day.
